My Rapist does not know that he is a Rapist

Trigger Warning For Sexual Assault

My junior year of college I woke up naked in a man’s bed. I had no recollection of what had happened the night before. I was naked, sore and I knew that we had sex the night before. My last memory was drinking with my friends at a party. When I woke up the next day in a strange bed he was rubbing my clitoris and was petrified. I did not know what to do. I pretended to have an orgasm so that I could get out of the room. After mumbling a few words I grabbed my clothes and quickly put them on. I then went to the closest bathroom, locked the door, and broke down. I did not know what to do. I felt hopeless. I had never expected to be in this situation. I realized that I did not know if he had used a condom when we had sex. I ended up going to CVS to get the morning after pill. I walked into the pharmacy and went to the isle where the condoms, lubricant, and the morning after pill were kept. I was shaking. I went up to the register where the woman behind the counter gave a look and shook her head at me, judging me. She did not know that I had been raped or what I had gone through. Shortly after taking the pill I got a text from the person whose bed I woke up in saying that they had fun last night and that they hoped that this would not make things awkward between us. It was at that moment that I realized that my rapist did not know he was a rapist.

Since that day my entire perception of the world has changed. I have become one of those statistics that you hear about. 1 in 5 college aged women are raped and I am one of them. To this day I have not brought myself to do anything about this incident. My rapist still lives on this campus. I see him almost everyday. Some people would say that by not coming forward to the administration about this that I am ignoring my duty as a survivor to protect other people from this person. The truth is that sometimes I feel this way. However, I still have not fully come to terms with what happened to me and am not psychologically ready to come forward to the administration. I hope that by telling my story other survivors will realize that they are not alone.

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